If you follow me for a while now, it will not be too surprising when I tell you that I’m pretty open-minded. I am open about sex, mental health and stuff like that, because I think they’re very important topics to talk about. The fact that society deems it to be taboo, is not going to make me hold my breath.
– trigger warning-
In this post I’m talking openly about weight-loss and diets.
If you are uncomfortable with either of those subjects, or if you have/had an eating disorder, I’d recommend you to click away.
When I was young I was always very thin and quite muscular. I wasn’t a chubby kid, I was very slender and tall. Then puberty hit. And my body changed. Hips, thighs, butt, they all developed quickly. It wasn’t just the hormones which made me gain so much weight though. Because around when I was 14 I also started developing a very unhealthy relationship with food.
I was 13 when something very traumatic happened to me. Since then I never was quite the same. Heavy mood swings were just swept away as being normal teen behavior and so were the other symptoms that something was wrong. And I also started eating very badly, and I hated sports. I had binge attacks in which I would buy a 1 kilo bag of candy in the school lunch break and finish it within half an hour. 1 KILO OF CANDY! I didn’t really think about it because back then I was still quite skinny. And I would eat so many bad things in those lunch breaks, I would usually just throw away the sandwiches my mom made for me bc I’d already stuffed myself with chocolate muffins.
I didn’t understand why I was doing it, and maybe there wasn’t even really a reason for it yet. But when I was 15-16 I started noticing that I started getting a little chubby. At home I would eat rather healthy, my mom always cooked nice, relatively healthy food, but at school I would eat so damn terribly. So when I noticed that I wasn’t as skinny anymore as I was in my mind, I decided I would stop eating so badly. But it wasn’t as easy as I thought.
By this time food was my happy place. You know, I could go in all scientific and talk about dopamine release and all that jazz but the truth is, I constantly felt like shit but when I shoved a pizza up my face I was happy for a while. All my plans for becoming healthier were way too strict and unrealistic so I would just eat cucumbers for three days, then cave in and eat 4 chocolate bars for lunch. And that difference between diet and binge just became bigger and bigger and made me fixate on food and it just made me gain even more.
Then when I moved out and lived by myself, all the mental shit that I’d been hiding and suppressing for so many years all exploded out of me and I was really damn depressed, and you guessed it, the eating pattern got even more distorted. The only thing that was steady about my eating habits had been that dinner my mom cooked every night. Now I had to take care of myself, and honestly I don’t think I was incapable of caring for myself, I just felt so bad and thought I didn’t deserve it. So I lived off of frozen pizzas and bags of crips, even though I’m actually quite okay at cooking. I just was demotivated, I hated myself already so why feed myself healthy or nutritious food?
All of this I’ve only figured out in the last few months. And a month ago I was like ‘fuck no’. I didn’t like my body at all, even though I am shooting semi-nudity and my body is on display for everyone who would just google my name. So I decided to make a change. Not by making a ridiculously strict diet plan again, but by just cutting out fast food and candy. It’s actually that simple. And in the first week I lost 2.2 kilos! Now it’s obviously a little slower, which is good because losing that much weight on a weekly basis wouldn’t be healthy. But in total I’ve lost 4.1 kilos now and I started on May 6. My target is to lose 15 in total before September, which means I have to lose about a kilo a week. This is hard, but realistic I think. It would mean I’d finally reach 55kg, which has always been my goal weight.