who am i even



i’m 19 years old, and i live in the netherlands. i’m an alternative / fetish model, and beginning singer.

“fashion should be a form of escapism, and not a form of imprisonment.” – alexander mcqueen

i’m non-binary, meaning that i don’t identify as either a man or a woman. i’m biologically female and i often present myself on a more feminine side, but that doesn’t mean i feel that way. i would say i’m kind of neutral, if gender was a slider with on one end femininity and on the other masculinity, i would be mostly in the middle. i say mostly because gender identity can change from day to day and is fluid.

“it is time that we all see gender as a spectrum instead of two sets of opposing ideals.” – emma watson

i personally don’t like to label my style, since i feel like i would restrict my creativity by doing so, because everything you do and wear should conform to that particular style. i guess it’s fair to say that my style is quite goth. when I wake up in the morning, i never think “let’s make a statement today”. if I do so in the process, that’s fine, but it’s not my main goal. i wear what i like, and i like what i wear, and i’ve let go of the opinions of others on it. i’m not wearing clothes to impress or scare people. i often hear people say ‘i wear a mask, because i want to keep people at distance’. this is not the case for me at all. i would rather call my style ‘a filter’, because it does keep ignorant, close-minded people at distance and that’s a blessing, but not my main goal.

“style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn.” – orson welles

i’m not sure what greatness is waiting for me in the future. i sometimes find it really difficult to predict what my life will be like in ten, or even five years. and then i realize it all doesn’t really matter. life is a journey, and as cheesy as it sounds, there are always obstacles in your way that you could never have predicted. i’d like to go to art school, and study illustration. i could become a tattoo artist. i’d like to go study philosophy and become a writer. i’d like to go travel the world and make art. but who knows, maybe i’ll end up doing something completely different. i could end up becoming a pornstar and being completely in my element. if you plan too much ahead, you’re only restricting yourself and stressing yourself out. all i wish for myself in the future is for me to be happy and healthy, and good at what i’m doing, whatever that might be.

“i knew who i was this morning, but i’ve changed a few times since then.” – lewis carrol

i call myself a laveyan satanist, because non-theistic satanism stands for individuality and hedonism. no i don’t worship a devil, since i don’t believe in one. to me, Satan is the symbol that best suits the nature of we who are carnal by birth. people who feel no battles raging between our thoughts and feelings, we who do not embrace the concept of a soul imprisoned in a body. satan represents pride, liberty, and individualism—qualities often defined as evil by those who worship god, who feel there is a war between their minds and emotions. i but i do not agree with every single part, and that’s okay.  i don’t believe in a human-like god or goddess, i would rather say the whole world is ruled by spirits and energies, and we call those “nature”.

“i break away from all conventions that do not lead to my earthly success and happiness” – anton szandor lavey